Our lives, living in controlled chaos. Raising kids & coping with tragedy
Scars on My Heart
I will be updating this page as I find the courage to continue to share my family’s story. We have been struggling with an insurmountable pain on our souls. Caused by not 1 or 2 tragedies but several.
When I share things Please know I am not saying anything to cause anyone pain, or to upset anyone. Some things I may share will be graphic and I am only doing this to help myself to heal by getting our story out and to possibly help someone else who may be going through some tragic events.
The Death of My Mom & Dad
On an evening in October I stopped by my parents house with one of my dearest friends. I had to go to the grocery store and couldn’t really go to the store without passing my parents house; my mom wanted my to stop by so I did. I didn’t want to because it was late and I was being lazy. As kids with our own kids we soon realize that it’s not all about us.
I ran into the house with one of my sons to say hello. My father was very very drunk. He was a retired police officer and increased his drinking upon retirement. My mother seemed to have had a drink in her but didn’t seem inebriated. The one big factor was they were fighting but nothing out of the ordinary for them lately. My mom told me my dad had been awake for 3 days drinking, he agreed with her in a very belligerent tone. My dad continued to play “tickle monster” with my son and even though he was drunk the 2 had a very beautiful couple minutes giggling together.
Both my parents wanted my very young son to spend the night. He normally would have wanted to but on this evening my friends kids were staying over at our house and he wanted to play with his “friends”. With the state my parents were in my son and I quickly headed out to the car. My mom walked us out, talked to my friend that was waiting in my car for a couple of minutes, told my son and I she loved us.
I headed to the store. As I was pulling into my parking space my phone rang. It was my mom. I answered she was urgently telling me my dad was screaming at her. I could hear him saying that he wasn’t. I told her to please go to bed, that each of them are entitled to their own opinion and to just agree to disagree. I then said the words that haunt me every day of my life now “I don’t want to get involved, just go to bed mom”.
I went into the store; 7 minutes into my shopping my phone rang again. It was my mom, I didn’t want to answer but I did.
As I said hello; my mother screamed a scream I can still hear and feel she then yelled “no Barry, no”. I then heard 3 gunshots. My father shot my mother twice and then himself.
I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD and depression. I am able to cope and avoid like a pro! Avoidance is my best friend. There are so many people around me that have no idea what we have been through. People have no clue I relive this phone call daily, sometimes hourly. I am working on getting better and learning more productive coping skills. This blog has helped me more than anything.
When speaking to a psychologist and begging to know why my mother had to call me, why did I have to hear the people I loved most in the world die this horrific death? The psychologist held my hand and said “Debbie, your mother reached out to the one person she trusted and loved most in the world”.
My mother trusted me and loved me. In honor of her trust and love I will get her story out so healing can begin for my children and myself and so that maybe her death can help someone else.
My parent’s story continues but I will stop here for now as this is very hard to share. I am doing this so that others may find healing and so that I may heal from these traumatic events. I am choosing to no longer avoid my pain but to look it in the eyes and say yes this happened but I will no longer allow it to hurt my children or myself any longer.
I plan to continue their story because people must know my mother and myself were trying to get help before they died.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression and possible suicidal or homicidal thoughts please seek help. You may go to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline for more information. You can also call 1-800- 273-TALK (8255).
I will also share the other events my children and I have endured these past years. These stories are difficult for us now but through courage and faith we will prevail and be stronger not because of the tragedies but in spite of.
I am so very grateful you have read our story this far.